Random Thoughts (man, these are getting long)

So, this weekend should be interesting. Mike and I get to experience village life in rural Malawi. Kind of the end of my orientation, though I am started at work already. Probably the last thing that will garner a big blog entry (I’ve written quite a lot at the beginning, but I see much more repetition and much less adventure ahead. So, for those tuning in regularly, I may have much less to say than these initial posts that have run much longer than I would have thought. But who knows what adeventure lies ahead between days of accounting?) Anyhow, work has been tough. Not really knowing what all I need to do, and my boss has been away for a couple of days, and will be gone all next week, leaving me to sort of learn as I go. My challenge is I don’t really have anything to do except learn what the office is doing, but it’s hard to learn what you don’t know without many parameters. Plus, the people I’m learning from are my subordinates, so essentially, I’m learning what they do so I can make sure they do it right and so I can supervise them. It’s a bit weird. I found myself at the end of yesterday feeling a bit frustrated, and worried about what a year of this might be like. I find myself getting a bit overwhelmed when I gaze ahead. Not having much to do tonight becomes more daunting when it looks like there will be nothing much to do for the whole year. The feeling of lethargy that I have at the end of a workday that doesn’t feel all that productive is not a feeling I can shed by going overseas. So, going home and not feeling like doing anything that requires energy, like reading a challenging book, writing, playing guitar, or the like, makes things challenging. In Canada, I would rent a movie, or call up a friend and go out. Here, I am challenged to overcome. I knew this was coming, but it’s easier said than done. A change of scenery doesn’t immediately change who I am. Then I make the mistake of looking forward again and thinking, with exasperation “I wonder if a year will drive any of this out of me.” I guess I will see what a year changes. But I wanted to change some habits bad enough that I thought I’d put myself in a place where I had no choice but to change. Now I’m here, I’ve come to realize that there is a choice. There is almost always a choice. I can continue to be lazy and undisciplined, but the consequences are greater here, in that my escapes are not as appealing, and I risk much more boredom. But I know that I want to change. That desire will take root. To clarify, what I speak of wanting to change is a general lack of discipline. Physical, mental, spiritual. It is so easy to be lazy. That’s how I can eat junk food, eat fast food (in Canada), not work out or exercise often enough, vegetate, and get into the bad cycle. Eat too much, gain weight, find it harder to exercise, stay home, eat more, get more knee problems. Speaking of which, I’ve been fighting leg cramps since I got here. First, it was being scrunched up in an airplane. Then, it was a mountain climbing/3 hour hiking adventure on the weekend. Then it was a game of squash on Tuesday. Also, it’s not helped by the uphill climb to work that I have in the morning (and I’m finding the steep downhill in the evening can be a challenge as well) I’m missing good old hot baths and massages. Man, I’m such a softie. Anyhow, I was talking about discipline. Mentally, I can float in my job and fight the boredom, but if I don’t stimulate myself mentally in my job, it makes me more mentally tired, and fatigues my whole body. That’s why I feel worse at the end of a workday where I haven’t done much, than I do at the end of one where I’ve been quite busy. This is why I need to be pushed in my job. But the challenge here, as usual, is to push myself. And it’s easy to be lazy spiritually. Choosing to put off prayer, scripture reading, or any sort of communion with God is like not going to a friend or a parent when you know you need help, you know they are going to tell you the right things and advise you well, but you just don’t have the energy and don’t want to hear it. In Toronto, I had a better church community to keep me accountable, but I also found it harder to see a daily need for God when I was so well provided for. “It is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” The need was there, and is there for all of us. We need God more than we know. But the need is spiritual, and not physical at all. Coming here, I thought it would be like India, where I felt much closer to God because I completely depended on Him for everything. But I’ve found I’m much more in my comfort zone. I am doing accounting, not working with disabled children. I am living in a home that is a walk away from work, and I am not mobbed by people demanding my attention, time, and money. I have independence, and I know where to get most things if I need them. Sure, there are inconveniences. Sleeping with a bug net, making sure the water I drink has been filtered, being more conscious of food I eat, being aware of my surroundings. But these are relatively easy to get used to. The challenge lies within. But there is a hope. Last night I found myself reading through the psalms, which are basically King David talking frankly with God. I feel more comfortable and focused at work today, and feel excited about where the job is headed as I gain confidence in myself and my ability to run the department. I am looking forward to the experience of this weekend, and hope its impact stays with me longer than any sickness I might pick up from eating village food. Don’t worry Mom, they’ve assured me that the villagers will treat me like royalty, so in some ways, I won’t experience truly how they live, but I will grow to understand it better. My living situation is good. I am currently sharing with a couple of people who are here from Canada distributing bikes to pastors in the villages. They will be leaving in a couple of weeks, but I have already begun to build relationships with people at the office. I even got to play pool with the son of one of the ladies who works here. The pool table we played on was a new challenge, as the balls are smaller, and made out of a different material, but it was fun nonetheless. Probably not something I would do often, since the pool hall was in an area of town I wouldn’t venture to without someone who knew the area well, but that isn’t unlike Toronto. I look forward with hope to the opportunity for more peace and quiet here. I miss my friends and family dearly, but I do not miss the noise of Toronto. I am excited by the opportunity to have time to write, reflect, and see what God has in store for me here, what I am to gain from this experience, and what lies ahead. I hadn’t planned on this being a journal, but I guess that’s what it has become. For those people who tuned in here for quick Africa tales, I’m sorry about the length, and superfluous detail. For the rest of you, thanks for reading. Hope all is well, and I would love to hear from you.